Back with a 'Heavy' heart

I am back with a very heavy heart after so many had happened recently. Dad diagnosed with Lung Cancer, had his surgery, unexpected happening.. so sad .. so sad...

Since 6 Jan 2010, the day dad was admitted to SGH.. till today, sad to say that he is still in the hospital.. Day 25 stay in the hospital for dad.. and the surgery has caused some side effect to his vocal cord.. unfortunately, his left vocal cord is damaged. He has speech problem and not able to swallow food. Dad was referred to ENT doctor for futher treatments. He might need a surgery to shift the position of his damagaged vocal cord nearer to his airway, so that he could talk and able to swallow food. But with his current condition, he might not be sutiable for surgery. ENT doctor is suggesting instead of the surgery, perhaps a bulk injection will ease his current conditions temporary. At least for a couple of months or have his discharged and go home. Chinese New year is around the corner and I really hope tht dad could go home and celebrate with us. It actually sadden me to see him like this.

There are more issues other than dad's that are upsetting me recently. M is not doing well in school. He behaves badly. With my daily visit to hospital, my attention to M has lessen, I no longer doing the revision with M on his studies, I no longer checking his school work. To my disbelieve, M got his first science spelling 0/10. This is very upsetting, E doesn't bother on M's school work. He felt that M should be more independance and should take care of his school work by himself. But who are we taking about here.. a eight years old playful kid. Don't you think that he will automatically do his work without being told? That's M, we are taking about here. E got angry with M last week and threw his 'Animal Kaiser' card collection booklet out of the car. I felt that is very quick tempered. Sometime I really don't understand him, sometime I felt that I don't know this person. I constantly told myself, this is what life is all about. You were young, you grown up, you married, you gave birth and now you suffer. Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. am I suffering right now? Sometimes... Do I have a happy life? Did I married the right one? Am I a good mother? I constantly asking myself all these question when I am upsetting and down.. the only answer to them.... "CRYING to sleep" zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz